Temptation

At one point in our journey with infertility, we went to an infertility clinic. We had various tests run, etc., and are still on the clinic mailing list.

I just learned, for a little over $22k, I can participate in a "shared risk" egg donation program! How exciting is that?!? For this money, I can do up to six complete egg donation cycles (including cryopreservation and transfer from these cycles). If I don't have a live birth after all of this, I get my money back. If I do have a live birth, I pay the fee.

It's a deal! It's cheaper than adoption with the bonus that I get to experience pregnancy and birth (yes, I consider that a bonus). Plus, since they'll use my husband's sperm, at least the child will be "part" of us. Maybe I'd even be blessed to carry twins. If after the initial embryo transfer there are ones left over to freeze, I can then transfer those and hope to have a second or even third child.

It's so tempting. I read it and I think, I can do this. It could happen. I could be a mom. We don't even have to tell anyone the egg wasn't mine. We would love this child. Everyone would love this child. God would bless this child.

I have to say, if it wasn't for my faith, I would be on this band wagon. I would be heading up the parade. I would want a child more than I would think about the consequences.

But not today. Today, I know it's not for me. It's not what the God of my understanding teaches. Obviously, that's not every one's God, but it is mine. I consider it a blessing to have gotten to this point of understanding. I'm amazed by how others view God's will, as this woman has indicated. I wouldn't consider what she's been through to be God's will. I would consider, possibly, that God's will was for her not to have a second child given all the obstacles she faced.

It's not for me to judge. After all, I too am tempted.