Difficult decision

Right or wrong; DH and I made a difficult choice today. We decided that we weren't going to pursue fertility help through http://www.creightonmodel.com (the link option just won't work for me right now!). It was our last idea. I think that because a number of my friends are pregnant right now, I really got overwhelmed with the idea of having a baby. The truth is, we just really don't want to be older parents. It's not that we don't want to have children or don't wish we had children, we do. We just don't want to be 54 and 60 with a ten year-old. I think this is a harder realization than either of us thought it would be. If either of us died when my step-father or uncle did, we would be leaving a six year-old or ten year-old without parents. And while it's true, anyone can die at anytime, the likely-hood increases with age. Gee - how ironic - infertility decreases as we age.

Catholic and child free; PMO

Well my search into Catholic, but child free didn't yield much. It could be I'm not the best at searching the Internet. All I could find was Purple Women & Friends.

This site isn't what I was looking for. As far as I can tell, it's Catholic women who support birth control use and we aren't talking NFP.

I was looking more for, "We've tried everything and now realize, although we'll be open to children until the day we die, we don't actually expect to conceive one. So what's next?" Couldn't find that group of women out there.

On a higher note, after two phone interviews, I have a face-to-face interview next Thursday. This job is perfect for me. It's a start up of a PMO. And unless you know what that is, you probably aren't thrilled! But if you do, you know it would be great fun to be involved in a start up. Especially since this is a Forbes top 50 company. I can't tell you how much I want this job. I'd work for free on it actually, just because it's going to be such an interesting project. I expect to learn a ton. And that's what I look for in a job, the learning experience. I hate to be bored.

So, I'll be reading about PMOs over the next week, get the hair cut, check the suit I plan on wearing, etc.

Wish me luck!

I'm so happy for this family at Perfect Work.

The baby is so beautiful; the parents so blessed. It's hard for me to confess that even with my happiness for them, I feel sorry for myself.

Everything is a grace, everything is the direct effect of our father's love - difficulties, contradictions, humiliations, all the soul's miseries, her burdens, her needs - everything, because through them, she learns humility, realizes her weakness - Everything is a grace because everything is God's gift. Whatever be the character of life or its unexpected events - to the heart that loves, all is well.-St. Therese of Liseux.

This is a quote Perfect Work referenced in a recent post. It's a beautiful reflection on the gift of suffering. I suffer from infertility with little hope of resolution besides a miracle. I am having a hard time today (not always), in accepting this suffering as grace. Right now I'd take a baby over this "gift" in a heart-beat.

I wonder if I should start avoiding the blogs with resolved infertility and maybe search for blogs about moving past infertility and living child-free? I wonder how many Catholic blogs there are out there on this topic? I'll have to start checking and get back to you on what I find.

Temptation

At one point in our journey with infertility, we went to an infertility clinic. We had various tests run, etc., and are still on the clinic mailing list.

I just learned, for a little over $22k, I can participate in a "shared risk" egg donation program! How exciting is that?!? For this money, I can do up to six complete egg donation cycles (including cryopreservation and transfer from these cycles). If I don't have a live birth after all of this, I get my money back. If I do have a live birth, I pay the fee.

It's a deal! It's cheaper than adoption with the bonus that I get to experience pregnancy and birth (yes, I consider that a bonus). Plus, since they'll use my husband's sperm, at least the child will be "part" of us. Maybe I'd even be blessed to carry twins. If after the initial embryo transfer there are ones left over to freeze, I can then transfer those and hope to have a second or even third child.

It's so tempting. I read it and I think, I can do this. It could happen. I could be a mom. We don't even have to tell anyone the egg wasn't mine. We would love this child. Everyone would love this child. God would bless this child.

I have to say, if it wasn't for my faith, I would be on this band wagon. I would be heading up the parade. I would want a child more than I would think about the consequences.

But not today. Today, I know it's not for me. It's not what the God of my understanding teaches. Obviously, that's not every one's God, but it is mine. I consider it a blessing to have gotten to this point of understanding. I'm amazed by how others view God's will, as this woman has indicated. I wouldn't consider what she's been through to be God's will. I would consider, possibly, that God's will was for her not to have a second child given all the obstacles she faced.

It's not for me to judge. After all, I too am tempted.